


Jeffery Winger: An American Musical, book by Dean Craig Pelton

by secretly_a_savior



Category: Community (TV), Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Gen, Hamilton References, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Song Parody, Songfic, Theatre, antics, i'm not even sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-20
Updated: 2016-10-20
Packaged: 2018-08-23 13:25:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8329567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/secretly_a_savior/pseuds/secretly_a_savior
Summary: "I stayed up all night writing an emergency re-write so our orchestra department wouldn't need to learn new music. Parodies are covered under fair-use, so-""This script is dated over three months ago." Troy observed out loud, quirking an eyebrow. Jeff sighed. "We're not doing your stupid show- this is.... this is creepy! My name doesn't even fit the meter!" Jeff protested aggressively, as if he expected any more from the Dean.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sugarlump](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarlump/gifts).



> i was walking to work, listening to Hamilton when the entirety of this awful, awful parody popped into my head. I am so so sorry. 
> 
> lmao @ the dean casting himself as eliza  
> also lmao @ this being not the first, not the second, but the THIRD time i've written and published a hamilton parody come at me lmm
> 
> this is mainly for magpie who is very into hamilton and community. the song mostly fits the meter and you're welcome to podfic it/preform it/whatever
> 
> this is unbeta'd. sorry

If there was such a thing as a normal day at Greendale Community College, it was one. Jeff Winger sat at the head of the table in study room 4, discussing a test that was coming up. He was tuned out of the conversation, only putting in vague agreements as he stared down at his phone. A shrill, familiar voice and an unwelcome hand on his shoulder that was almost certainly wrinkling his Tom Ford button up brought him from his haze. He looked up and his face immediately fell. It was Dean Craig Pelton, dressed head to toe in a revealing rendition of a revolutionary war soldier. 

He spoke loud and proud, back straight as if to accentuate the chest that he _didn't_ have.   
"We the people of Greendale, in or ** _dean_** to form a more perfect campus" he paused, moving to a low, out-of-character whisper that acted effectively as parentheses, or an asterisk, for his spoken word. "-and in order to keep our fine arts funding-" he paused again before launching right back into his spiel. "have decided to put on a musical!"

Claps and low squeals around the study table served as his response, and he continued, finally taking his hand off of the bemused ex-lawyer at his side.   
  
"The Drama Club thought long and hard for a long time and decided to put on Hamilton! Unfortunately, Lin-Manuel Miranda swiftly sued them, effectively blacklisting their performance."  

Jeff's shoulders fell.   
"So you're asking me to.... what? Offer dubious legal counsel?"

The Dean laughed.   
"No, silly! We presold tons and tons of tickets to locals hoping to catch a glimpse of Hamilton, and we kind of already spent their money. So I was coming to ask- no, not ask...  _INSIST_ that you help me with an alternate performance! You're diverse enough and _God knows_ I've seen you break into song more than a middle school drama club."

A chorus of excited agreements followed, with a loud " _NO!"_ from Jeff cutting through them. 

"Why not, Jeff?" Annie asked, quirking her head. "Don't you love being the center of attention?"   
  
Jeff scoffed, but before he could put in his two cents, Pierce joined the conversation.

"Musicals are gay. There's no way-"

"You'll have lines." the Dean interjected with a pandering grin.

"I'm in."

"I'd love to be in a  _mu-si-cal."_ Shirley said, her syllables separating in the way they did when she was excited.   
  
"Is _Hamilton_ a protest piece?" Britta asked straightening up and earning a glare from Troy and Abed for not knowing about the massively successful show. Abed, at that point, peeling his eyes off of the ignorant blonde, spoke up. 

"I want to play Aaron Burr, he's cold, calculating, and-

"Wait," Jeff asked, cutting Abed off as the Dean's comment to Pierce sank in. "you've already cast us? This is insane. You yourself  _JUST_ said that you couldn't obtain the rights to preform the show."

That's when the Dean really grinned, pulling a stack of thick, thick scripts from behind his back- seemingly out of nowhere. In thick, black, block font on the cover was " _JEFF WINGER: AN AMERICAN MUSICAL."_ Each cast member's script was handed to them specifically as the administrator made his way around the table. Each person's lines were pre-highlighted and blocking notes were in place. 

"I stayed up all night writing an emergency re-write so our orchestra department wouldn't need to learn new music. Parodies are covered under fair-use, so-"

"This script is dated over three months ago." Troy observed, quirking an eyebrow. Jeff sighed. 

"We're not doing your stupid show- this is.... this is creepy! My name doesn't even fit the meter!" Jeff protested aggressively, as if he expected  _any more_ from the Dean. 

"Please! We'll lose all of our arts funding!" The dean pled, making eyes at Jeff, who ignored him and flipped through the script.

Suddenly the whole room was " _please"_ s and puppy dog eyes, and Jeff, while mentally chastising himself for becoming soft, relented, nodding and throwing his hands up in resignation

* * *

 

It was the first night of performance, and the house was  _packed._ The Dean had neglected to tell everybody that there would be a poorly written parody happening in place of the real show, and decided to take the last minute before the show to peak his head out of the curtain and tell everybody that- and with his "announcement" over, the lights came up and the performance began.   

BEN CHANG:   
"How does a handsome, lawyer, son of a girl and a deadbeat  
stuck in the middle of a public school in Colorado  
by providence, disgraced, and disbarred  
get past his existential life scars? "

BRITTA PERRY:   
"The hundred-dollar, group "father" without a father  
got a lot farther  
by being a lot smarter-  
by cheating a lot harder-  
by being a self-starter-  
by twenty-two, he was an illegal lawfirm partner. " 

TROY BARNES:   
"And every day in school, he slept and fantasized of the days  
where he wouldn't struggle to keep his head up.  
Inside he was longing for a cheap way to get through law school.  
That's when our brother begged, stole, borrowed and bartered. "

ABED NADIR:   
"Then a petty snitch came, and devastation reigned,   
our man saw his career drip-dripping down the drain.   
Saw a flyer on the table, connected to his brain  
then he wrote his application, a commitment to the mundane"

BEN CHANG:   
"Well the word got around they said ' _Winger is insane man!_  
Built himself a study group just to sleep with this young dame, man.'  
He was there to get his education, not forget his lawyer fame!  
But the school learned to know his name- what's your name, man?"

JEFF WINGER:  
"Jeff Winger. My name is Jeff Winger.   
And there's a million girls I haven't done, so just you wait. Just you wait. "

DEAN CRAIG PELTON:  
"When he was eight his father split, full of it, debt-written  
Ten years later see Jeffrey and his daddy issues hidden  
Depressed, all moved out and living on his own"

ENSEMBLE:  
(And Jeffrey moved on but his daddy issues stuck.)  
  
SHIRLEY BENNETT:  
"Got himself disbarred and wanted to commit suicide,  
left him with nothing but shattered pride, he felt dead inside  
but he had friends saying   
ENSEMBLE:  
"Jeffrey, you can't just fend for yourself!"  
SHIRLEY BENNETT:  
He started retreating, and letting his newfound family help!

BEN CHANG:  
"There would've been nothing left to do for people less astute,   
Would've been dead or destitute without a cent of restitution  
Started working! Studying for Chang's crazy Spanish test  
Hanging out with Britta, Troy, Abed, Pierce, Shirley and Annie, all the best!  
  
Scanning for all of the verbs he could wrap his head around  
Planning for the future, see it now as he stands giving a long Winger speech  
Detailing all his clever plans! At Greendale he can be a new man!"

ENSEMBLE:  
At Greendale you can be a new man!  
At Greendale you can be a new man!  
At Greendale you can be a new man!  
  
AT GREENDALE! 

JEFF WINGER:  
I CAN'T WAIT!  
  
ENSEMBLE:   
"Jeff Winger, We are waiting in the study room for you!  
You will never back down, never learn to swallow pride!  
Oh Jeff Winger, when the jailbirds call for you  
Will they know what you overcame?   
Will they know that you cheated the game?   
This school can never be the same!"

BEN CHANG:  
"His Lexus is in the parking lot, see if you can spot it!  
Another failure coming back up from the bottom  
His enemies destroyed his rep, his family forgave him! "

BRITTA, ABED, TROY:   
We fight with him!  
BRITTA:  
Me? I'd die for him.  
SHIRLEY:  
Me? I trusted him.  
DEAN CRAIG PELTON:  
Me? I loved him. 

BEN CHANG:  
And me? I'm the _Chang_ fool that shot him!

ENSEMBLE:   
There's a million chicks he hasn't done, just you wait! 

BEN CHANG:  
What's your name man? 

JEFF WINGER:  
Jeff Winger!

**Author's Note:**

> please comment


End file.
